if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
