I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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