So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize