with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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