So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
