Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
