note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
