there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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