apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
