bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
