there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
