Already got asked if we're dating
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
