I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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