What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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