I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
