I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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