is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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