You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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