You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
