I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
