my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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