Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
