I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
