I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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