I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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