bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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