If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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