she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
