As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
3 2 1 whiskey
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
