The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I just shit out all my problems.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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