i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
