dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize