The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
