Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
