i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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