I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
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