I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
