just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
you inspire me to be a worse person
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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