i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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