Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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