I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize