Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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