He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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