The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
