The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
