We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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