I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
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