So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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