I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
