I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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