i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
