She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
