forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
