this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
