i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize