Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
