The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
